Genre: Platformer
Publisher: Oxygen Interactive
Developer: Twelve Games
Release Date: July 7, 2009

Do you remember when Crash Test Dummies were popular? I'm not talking about the alt-grunge band that did what every other early '90s band did in pretending to be Nirvana, but rather the human analogues with the yellow and black stickers who tested the safety of vehicle seatbelts and airbags. For a little while, they were quite the hot item, appearing in television safety ads and their own cartoon. There was even a line of toys with dummies whose bodies flew apart on impact. Now, several years too late, CID the Dummy is trying to bring these beat-up creations back into the limelight; it's just too bad the game fails so miserably that all I want to do is crash the people who made it into a wall.

The game's plot is as flimsy as they come, with CID pining for more out of life than simply riding in cars that are doomed to be smashed. To facilitate his dreams, CID's creator, Prof. Werken, gives the dummy a special power suit and sends him out to rescue his kidnapped daughter. At first, the game presents a generic "rescue the princess" story line, but even that fails as the plot loses all focus a mere couple of hours in. Multiple times, I found myself looking for the button that turned CID around and sent him home because a life spent plowing into bricks was still more worthwhile than this farcical quest.

It doesn't help that the script is terrible and the voice acting is painful to listen to. CID is nothing more than a whiner, and Prof. Werken sounds a great deal like the King of Town from "Homestar Runner" fame, but even stupider and with even fewer insightful things to say. I can't take the game seriously because the characters are so poorly developed, but I can't just laugh at it due to the terrible jokes and awkward acting. The game can't even pull off the "so bad it's good" trick, leaving it with no charm whatsoever.

As bad as the story is, the gameplay is a million times worse. The title is a 3-D platformer presented from a 2-D, side-scrolling perspective. This means that the camera, always a problem in adventure games, is working against you even more so this time around. Trying to line up CID for jumps is incredibly tricky, and you'll miss a fair share of items simply because there's no real way to discern where they are along the third axis. Forget about using ranged attacks, as aiming is impossible and you'll waste pretty much all your finite ammo simply attempting to line up a shot on your foes. I can't imagine anyone who tested this game enjoyed the camera placement, and all the issues could have been fixed by swinging the camera around behind CID or, at the very least, providing some sort of aim assist so combat isn't so frustrating. We have to play with what we have, though, and unfortunately, what we have is an absolute mess.

Complementing the shoddy mechanics is level design that is boring and repetitive. Each stage plays out in a totally linear way, with CID merely running down halls flipping switches and fighting baddies until he hits the next doorway. On some occasions, you may get to use one of CID's special abilities to dash through a closing door or sneak past a security camera, but these moments are infrequent, and CID's unique talents are pretty worthless outside of these specific instances. Furthermore, the levels feature some of the worst checkpoint placement I've seen in years, and gamers will be forced to repeat large swaths of boring, frustrating stages for no good reason.

This leads into the final major problem with the game, and that is the inclusion of finite lives. Much like the NES days, CID only has so many lives to make it through his adventure, and the only way to get more is to find special tokens hidden throughout the game. Running out of lives means that it's game over, and you are then kicked back to the main menu. OK, no big deal, right? After all, don't games baby us these days with limitless retries anyway? Can't I just take my medicine and restart the stage I failed in with a few more tries? Sure you can, but that's not how this game works. Once you run out of extra lives, you must restart at the very beginning of the level you perished in with one, and only one, life. Die again, and it's right back out to the main menu and then back in to restart from the beginning once more. Considering how terrible the gameplay mechanics are, good luck getting through any stages in the last half of the game on only one life. Let me know how long it takes before you rip the UMD out of your PSP and throw it in the trash; my guess is it'll be under 10 minutes.

The one nice thing I can say about CID the Dummy is that the graphics are definitely up to snuff for a PSP game. When I saw the opening cut scene and noticed the impressive production values, I began to hope that this was going to be one of those games that's a diamond in the rough. I was proved wrong when I started playing, but at least the title won't hurt your eyes if you end up playing it; your ears, your thumbs and your soul will be in pain, but your eyes should be fine. That's about all the praise there is, though, as nothing else about the game holds any appeal whatsoever.

If CID the Dummy is any indication, then it's easy to see why the Crash Test Dummy fad flamed out as quickly as it arrived. The game is much more frustrating than it is fun, and the very small glimmers of hope offered in the opening moments are quickly plowed under by the title's myriad flaws and lack of anything that might make it an even remotely compelling experience. Wear your seatbelts, obey the rules of the road and keep this game far, far away from your PSP.

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